This morning we arrived in Tallinn, Estonia, about 8 am. to beautiful weather.   And today’s tour in Tallinn, Estonia, was the funnest tour we’ve been on yet. It was entitled Soviet Flashback and we were taken back to the 1980’s, the time just before the Soviet Union dissolved in 1991.  Our guide grew up in Estonia under Soviet rule during this time so lived through the history he described.  The history junkies among us were beside themselves.

This was our ancient rattle-trap of a tour bus.  The guy in the Soviet Union uniform is Olaf, our tour guide.  Olaf was such a hoot, with his wry sense of humor, in the beginning he really got into character.  Most of us were initially unsure what to make of all this.  Above, Olaf is interrogating 2 of the Capitalist passengers before allowing them to get on the bus.

Passengers were told to stand on the line while Olaf searched their bags, inquiring about various items he found in purses.  This woman had a tube of lipstick that Olaf felt quite certain was a hidden microphone.

Next he checked passports, hurtling insults along the way.  We were surprised he was checking passports – at that point we really weren’t sure what was going on.

Passengers were instructed to march and when unable to do so correctly, were given instructions on the correct methods and told to practice. While lined up, we were directed, in the Estonian language, to turn left and then right and when we failed to guess the correct direction, we were again berated.

Even before getting out of the parking lot, the bus stalled and the driver was unable to get it started, so all of the men were instructed to get out and push until the bus started again, which it did with a loud backfire when he popped the clutch.

It was very hot in the bus so the guide checked  the air conditioning, that is, he opened the hatch and declared it working.

Olaf reviewed previous Soviet Union leaders by holding up photos and asking us to identify them.  If we failed to do so, he threatened to handcuff us and turn us over to the KGB.

In fact, a couple of passengers were so suspicious looking that Olaf had to call the KGB to see if they were on “The List.” Fortunately they were not but Olaf still had his doubts.

Olaf offered us a refreshment of small glasses of vodka and sweet gherkin pickles. (Eeew!) Later he offered us samples of local coca-cola.  He said local people did not like real Coca-Cola, so Coca-Cola bought the local coke plant and resold it as a “Coca-Cola product” with a completely different label.  He passed around samples so we could try it.  It smells like molasses and tastes medicinal like cough syrup. In a word, it’s gross!

Midway into the tour, we made a pit stop at the site of the sailing event of the Olympics that was held in Estonia as part of the 1980 Summer Olympics at Moscow. He handed out toilet paper, 2 sheets per person,  until he realized that toilet paper could only be used on Saturday and Sundays and since it was Friday, passengers were required to use newspaper.

It was a beautiful day, clearly a rare event in Tallinn.  When asked how many sunny days Tallinn has each year, Olaf replied grimly, “4 or 5.  Mostly it rains. ”  He then went on to briefly describe the climate in Tallinn.  “Tallinn has only 2 seasons each year: shitty weather and very shitty weather.”

But Olaf could be very serious too.  He was passionate about the transition of Estonia from Soviet rule to becoming it’s own independent country. We made a stop where he showed us rusted cannons and this abandoned prison where both his grandfather and next door neighbor served time during Soviet rule.

We stopped by this monument and had a little picnic on the bus.  Olaf offered us little sausages in pastry (pigs in blankets), which he said he made in a factory as a youth (well, not those particular ones!). Occasionally the blankets had no pigs, he said, because workers took out the little sausages and took them home with them. Olaf says this is the last remaining Soviet monument in Estonia and it will be removed soon so that this park area may be renovated.  The unattractive monument is made of ordinary concrete blocks.

Olaf”s English was excellent, although accented, and that’s because he lived in the US for a few years, in Michigan.  He later worked with a U.S film company to facilitate making a B movie in Estonia starring Chad Lowe and Hilary Swank, before either of them were household names.  Olaf and Hilary stayed in touch for several years after that but once she became  famous,  he says with a sad twinkle in his eye, “she never wrote, she never called.”